I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I deserve this hangover.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
