So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
