his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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