Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
