A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
FUCK WHALES
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