Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
