That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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