This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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