what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
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It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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