proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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