You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
