just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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