my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
