We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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