All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
