I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
