I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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