spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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