Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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