I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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