pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
