to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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