hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
