I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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