Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
