When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
