So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
