I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
