If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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