her vagina looked like bernie madoff
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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