Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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