Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
