We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
