So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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