How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
