EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
