I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
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This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
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How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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