be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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