Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
