a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
