if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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