ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
