I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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