im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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