quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
