they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
