Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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