i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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