i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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