I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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