I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
