Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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