Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
