Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
